Polly Says
by Emily Colfer-Criss
Summary: When Vince suddenly discovers he's actually a dad to a little girl called Polly, how on earth will he and Howard manage to cope? Written fro my darling wifey Georgia because we spend far too much time wondering what it would be like if Noel Fielding had kids. Sigh.
1. Chapter 1

Vince stretched happily as his eyes fluttered open. God, he loved waking up in a good mood, it was like a perfect start to a day. He lay in silence for a while before lazily dragging himself out of bed and quickly dressing.

Bounding happily down the stairs into the shop, Vince called "Alright, Howard?"

"_Shh!_" came the reply.

Vince frowned as he saw that the shop was closed and turned to see Howard sitting at the shop counter. He had a little bundle in his arms.

"What's that?" Vince asked, intrigued.

Howard sighed sadly. "Vince... Do you remember Stella?"

"What, that girl I got with like a year ago?"

"That's the one. Well, she came over this morning while you were asleep."

Vince's eyes widened. "What did she want?"

Howard nodded towards a note lying on the counter, which Vince picked up and read.

_'Vince,_

_I don't know if you even remember me, but you slept with me a year and a half ago, at your place. We were drunk so I don't remember much bit we obviously didn't use protection because hey, I got pregnant! _

_I can't do it. I'm really sorry to do this to you and your friend but I know you'll be better parents than me. I'm leaving Polly with you. She's definitely yours, I checked. She's also your spitting image, it's pretty obvious._

_I'm so sorry, but it's for the best. I just can't do this parenting thing._

_\- Stella Robson x'_

Vince looked slowly up from the letter, horrified. His blinked back tears.

"Is that...?" he trailed off, looking at the little bundle in Howard's arms.

The Northerner nodded, holding out his arms to reveal a small, sleeping baby wrapped in a lilac blanket.

"And... She's _mine_?" Vince asked, in a voice barely above a whisper.

The baby - Polly, it seemed - suddenly opened her eyes to reveal big, blue orbs, framed with long, sweeping lashes. Her little rosy cheeks flushed as she lifted a tiny hand to the little tufts of jet-black hair peppering her head.

"_Christ_," Howard muttered, not taking his eyes from the girl, "She looks just like you, Vince."

Polly looked around until her eyes met those of her dad's, and she held his gaze as if she knew. After a little while her little face crumpled and she began to grizzle, holding out her arms to Vince.

The smaller man looked panicked as he tore his gaze from Polly's to Howard's. "What do I do?"

Howard couldn't stop a little smile creeping onto his face as he held his arms out further. "Just hold her."

Vince hesitated before gently, oh so gently lifting the little bundle into his arms, carefully cradling her head with his small hand.

He looked down into her big blue eyes, so similar to his own, and couldn't stop the few tears that were threatening to fall.

Vince shifted so that the crook of his elbow could cradle Polly's head and lifted a finger to gently stroke her rosy cheek. Polly's tiny little hand reached up and gripped into his index finger, eyes never leaving his. Her little mouth slowly formed a beaming smile, making Vince's heart flutter.

At that moment, it was if the whole world had frozen. _She was his baby. His. He had made this tiny little human. _

He gulped and, with a small smile, whispered:

"Hi there darlin'. I'm your daddy."


	2. Chapter 2

Howard hated to interrupt the adorable scene happening in front of him but they needed to talk about this. I mean, they now had a baby. An actual baby. And what's more, she was _Vince's_ actual baby.

"Vince," he murmured, causing his friend to look up from Polly.

"Yeah?"

"What, uh... What do you think we should do?"

Vince frowned, carefully sitting down with Polly in his arms. "What d'you mean?"

Howard sighed. "Well, you know, it's a big responsibility, little man. She needs feeding, changing, as well as bringing up. We'll need to work pretty hard."

Vince's face fell. He hadn't thought about that. He had no idea whatsoever about looking after a baby. He could barely look after himself.

"Oh Howard," he whispered, looking down at Polly with sad eyes, "We're not going to give her away, are we?"

"Woah now, sir, where's all this coming from?" Howard frowned, moving a little closer to his friend.

"We don't know how to look after a baby."

"We can learn!" Howard paused and looked at his friend deeply. "Do you _want_ to give her away?"

Vince's head whipped up as he stared at Howard. "No! Of course I don't!" He paused, looking back down at his daughter. "I just..." he trailed off, unable to stop the little sob that escaped his mouth.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Howard asked, carefully taking Polly into his arms and rocking her gently.

"It's just..." Vince hesitated, never taking his eyes from Polly's. "I've never looked after a child before."

"So? Neither have I. Most parents haven't either until their first child."

"I just want her to be brought up right, you know?" Vince bit his lip. "I want her to have a good life, not brought up by some wanker who can't look after her."

"She will be brought up right," Howard insisted, handing Polly back to Vince and nodding over at a baby bag that resided next to the counter. "It has nappies, food, bottles, a few clothes. Stella even had the decency to leave a list of her allergies, likes and dislikes."

"Allergies?" Vince's eyes widened, reeling away from Polly as if he was made of peanuts and she had the world's worst nut allergy.

"It's fine, she's just got a slight intolerance to milk. There's hypoallergenic formula in the bag for her."

Vince nodded slowly. "Anything else?"

Howard smiled a little. "She loves attention. Apparently she's such a little drama queen, just like her daddy."

Vince smiled a little, looking down at his daughter. After a short silence he whispered, "How old is she?"

"Uh, nearly 9 months, Stella said. She can crawl and babble but she hasn't said her first word yet, so we have that to look forward to, eh?" Howard smiled enthusiastically at Vince, before giving up once he saw his friend's sombre expression. "What's wrong?" he asked gently.

Vince's head whipped up and he stared at Howard with his big, blue eyes. "Howard, we have a baby now. That's kind of a lot to take in. I'm this close to screaming and walking out, I just don't know what do to."

"Vince, calm down."

"I'm not going to _calm down_!" Vince suddenly yelled, standing up and snatching the bag from off the floor. "She's my _daughter_! This a big deal, Moon, and I'm not going to screw it up like everything else in my life."

The instant he stopped for breath, Polly opened her mouth and began to cry in earnest. Vince couldn't help the panicked expression that made its way onto his face.

"Here," Howard offered, getting up from his seat and reaching for Polly. Vince flinched away.

"I can do it myself!" he said angrily, storming up the stairs to their flat.

Struggling to balance the baby and open the bag, he managed to fish out a bottle that contained white powder. He reached for the kettle and silently thanked a deity that it was still warm. He poured it into the bottle and shook, before testing the temperature and feeding it to Polly. She wriggled away from it, bawling and looking at her dad with big, sad eyes.

Oh god. Vince had no idea what to do. Polly just wailed and wailed, squirming in his arms and face turning red.

"Please don't cry," he whispered in what he thought was a soothing voice, rocking her as best he could. "Shhh."

Polly paid no attention and wailed more, her loud cries piercing Vince's ears.

He grabbed her bottle and held it to her again. No reaction. He lay her down and checked her nappy. Clean. He tried singing to her. If anything, she just cried harder.

What did she want?

Vince was so frustrated, partly with Polly because she wouldn't stop, but mostly with himself because he didn't know how to calm his own fucking daughter. He was the worst father in the world.

He sat down heavily on the sofa before letting his own angry tears fall. He was such a failure.

"What's going on?"

Vince looked up tearfully to see Howard at the top of the stairs.

"I-I..." Vince broke off into a sob.

Howard frowned, cautiously making his way over to the sofa and squatting down in front of Vince.

"Did she hurt herself?"

The crying man shook his head.

"Well then what is it?"

"If I knew that I would have sorted it, you jerkoff!" Vince snapped, hugging Polly to his chest.

Howard paused to look at his friend and the little baby in his arms. He sighed.

"You're holding her wrong."

"No I'm n-not!"

"You are. Look," Howard said gently, standing and carefully lifting the wailing Polly out of Vince's arms.

"Shhh, hey now," he soothed like a professional, before placing her so that she was pressed up against Vince's chest, her head near his shoulder and his hand cupping her lower back.

"There now."

Vince glared. "And how exactly is this-?"

He was cut off by Howard shushing him, and moments later, Polly's cries began to subside. She reached up a tiny little hand to grab Vince's jaw and buried her wet face into the top of his chest.

Vince looked up at Howard in awe. "How did you do that?"

The maverick shrugged. "Babies like heartbeats. It calms them." He paused. "And why were _you_ crying?"

Vince sniffled before quietly speaking. "I'm a shit dad."

Howard blinked. "What?"

"I'm a shit dad, Howard. You know more about my own bloody daughter than I do! How am I supposed to look after if I ca-can't even-"

"Hey," Howard said firmly, sitting down beside his friend and looking at him, "Jesus Vince, you've only known her for 20 minutes; you can't expect to know her inside just yet, little man. Now come on, I hate seeing you upset. You can do this. We can do it together. She may be your biological child but that doesn't mean I can't be any less of a parent to her." He quickly added: "Of course, only if you want that. I don't have to get involved if you don't want me to."

Vince nodded tearfully, gently stroking Polly's back with his free hand. "I can't do this by myself, Howard. I need you."

"I'm right here, sir. Don't you worry about that."


	3. Chapter 3

When Naboo arrived home from his "shaman business", he was very surprised to see the shop shut. It was two hours before closing time. _Those jerkoffs._

He was all ready to shout as he made his way upstairs, wondering why on earth he thought he could trust Vince Noir with a shop. He was probably straightening his hair or something.

"Oi!" the shaman yelled as he came up the stairs, "Care to explain why the-"

"Shh!" Howard hissed from the sofa, reaching a finger to his lips. "She's just got to sleep."

"What?"

Howard frowned, then remembered Naboo had been away since last night.

"Oh. Well, remember Stella? That girl Vince had a thing with a year or so back?"

"What, the one who threw up right outside the shop?" Naboo inquired, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, I remember."

"I don't really know how to tell you, but-"

"He got her pregnant?"

Howard slumped in defeat. "Yeah."

"What a wanker," Naboo muttered, eyes taking in the mess of bottles, clothes and various baby items that littered the flat. "So where is this 'she'?"

"_Polly_ is our room. She's been a bit restless and she's just got to sleep so a bit of quiet would be appreciated," Howard said softly.

Naboo opened his mouth to say something but stopped once he saw Vince troop out of his room.

"Alright Naboo?"

"You idiot."

Vince nodded, eyes meeting the floor. "I know."

"How are you supposed to run a shop with a baby around?"

"I don't know."

"What were you thinking?!"

"I don't _KNOW_!" Vince suddenly yelled, eyes flashing with anger. "You think this is easy for me? I'm the one with the kid. She's _my_ responsibility! I don't even know what I'm doing and you're just waltzing in here to tell me what an idiot I am? That's-"

He was cut off by a loud wail coming from his room. He looked like he wanted to cry as well.

"I'll sort it," Howard said gently, getting up from the sofa. "You talk it out with Naboo. Quietly."

He hurried into his room where he was met by Polly lying in a makeshift cot (a large box filled with blankets) and bawling, making grabby hands for something.

"Hey," Howard soothed, carefully lifting her up with his big strong hands and holding her to his chest as he shushed her. "What's up, hmm?"

Polly babbled something and looked in the general direction of her bottle, wailing and continuing to make grabby hands.

"Oh you're hungry?" Howard asked softly, reaching for the pale pink bottle and, glad it was still warm, raising it to Polly's lips. "Okay, darling."

The little girl eagerly drank, eyes huge and looking at Howard like he was Christ. She was incredibly beautiful, Howard had to admit. And unmistakably Vince's daughter; their features were practically identical. Her obscenely long eyelashes fluttered as he stared.

After a while Polly's eyes began to droop, and she let the bottle slip from her lips as she drifted back to sleep, a little contented sigh escaping her.

Howard smiled softly and carefully placed her back in her 'cot'. They'd really have to buy a proper one, he thought.

Re-entering the living room area, he saw Vince looking at him expectantly, eyes red. "Is she okay?"

Howard couldn't help but smile at Vince's concern. "Yeah she's fine, just hungry."

The small man nodded sadly before settling back on the sofa, bringing his knees up to his chin. A tear rolled down his cheek. Naboo was nowhere to be seen.

"Vince, seriously, what is it?" Howard asked in a concerned voice, perching next to his friend. "You've been overly tearful today and it's a little worrying. You're supposed to be made of sunshine!"

"How are you so good with her?"

"With Polly?"

Vince rolled his swollen eyes. "Of course, you twat. Who else?"

Howard swallowed. "I guess I'm just good with kids. Besides, it's just doing what she wants. It's not a question of being good or bad."

"I know, but I really want to connect with her, y'know?"

"You will, little man. Just give it time."

The flat fell into comfortable silence for a minute or two. The only sounds were traffic outside and some shuffling around downstairs.

"How did it go with Naboo?" Howard inquired softly, lifting one of Polly's dummies off the carpet and placing it on the coffee table.

Vince visibly brightened. "Good. He's went downstairs to see if he can find something for her to play with. And a better bed, that one's a bit crap," he added, stifling a yawn.

"Tired?"

"Mmhmm."

"Do you want to go to bed?"

Vince scoffed, looking at the clock. "It's just past four."

"Irrelevant, you look knackered."

The small man nodded after a moment, standing up and stretching. He walked slowly over to his and Howard's room before turning around again. "Thanks for helping, Howard. You're a good friend."

Howard beamed. "I'm here for you, little man."

* * *

Vince didn't realise how tired he'd been until he woke up the next morning at 9am. He'd slept over twelve hours. Groaning, he dragged himself out of bed, feeling that something was wrong.

He caught sight of Polly's box and sighed, posture falling. So it wasn't a dream.

Upon entering the living room, he was greeted with a soft "Morning," from Howard. Vince's heart melted at the sight.

The tall Northerner was knelt on the carpet as Polly crawled around him. She grabbed her toys and handed them to Howard, eyes wide with curiosity.

Vince couldn't help feeling a little jealous. The two seemed to have such a connection.

Polly suddenly ceased her movements, staring up at Vince, blue eyes blinking slowly. Howard noticed and grinned.

"Looks like someone wants her daddy," he cooed, carefully lifting the little girl into his arms and handing her over to Vince.

Polly stared up at him, lifting a tiny hand up to his face. He relaxed and gently stroked it with his index finger. She grabbed on, a large grin making its way onto her face. She babbled something incoherent before wiggling around happily.

"Hey," Vince smiled fondly, "Careful, I don't want to drop you, darlin'!"

He gently stroked her rosy cheek, so absorbed in his little girl that he didn't even hear his name being called several times.

"Vince!"

"Hmm?" he mumbled, snapping out of his trance. He saw Naboo and a startled looking Bollo standing near him.

"Catch Bollo up, will you?" the shaman asked before heading to fetch his bong. Howard rushed after him, saying something about it being dangerous for Polly.

"Alright, Bollo?" Vince smiled shyly, looking back down at Polly.

The gorilla frowned, looking down at the small human lying in his friend's arms. He grunted a reply.

"You wanna hold her?"

"Bollo no good with baby."

Vince smiled. "Well, we're keeping her so you're gonna just have to get used to her."

Bollo cautiously held out his arms as Vince carefully placed the little girl in them. He held her awkwardly for a while, not knowing what to do.

Polly looked up at him in awe, eyes widening. Bollo was worried she'd start crying - he hated babies crying - but instead she let out a shriek of delight, making grabby hands up at him.

The ape smiled and spoke softly. "I got a good feelin' about dis."


End file.
